Tell us a joke!

[germ1984]

Title says it all. Just make sure you don't offend anyone too much. Here's one to get the ball rolling.

Two dwarfs pull some fitties and take them back to their flat. The first dwarf can't get it up, and to make things worse all he can hear from the next room is his mate going "Here I come, 1, 2, 3...uugh!"
The next morning, after the women have left, the first dwarf says to the second "I'm so embarrased. I couldn't get a boner."
The second one replies "You think that's bad. I couldn't even get on the bloody bed!"

Your turn. :D

[Deathvein]

I've heard that one. :P

A Polish man visits the optician.
The optician showed him a snellen chart with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[YinYangAngel]

i got a beauty :D
A local radio station is having a contest—the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.
So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan…G-O-A-N…Goan.”
The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"
“Sure it is,” argues the caller.
“Well then use it in a sentence,” says the DJ.
The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!”
The DJ quickly hangs up.
About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.
When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E…Smee.”
The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"
To which the caller responds, "It’s Smee again......Goan f#ck yourself!"

[germ1984]

I've heard that one. :P

A Polish man visits the optician.
The optician showed him a snellen chart with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

I've heard that one. :P

I've got some of Sadam Hussein's shirts for sale. They're a bit tight round the neck but they hang very well.

[Deathvein]

Haven't heard that one. :P

George Bush and Tony Blair were in the White House, when Mrs Bush walks in and asks what theyre doing.
"Planning WW3" replies George.
"Oh yeah, what are your plans?" asks his missus.
"We're gonna kill 4 million muslims and 1 dentist."
"Why 1 dentist?" his wife replies.
Patting Tony on the back, Bush triumphantly says
"I told you no one would ask about the muslims!"

[Darth_Eskimo]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


A bit lame, I know..

I've got another one,;

Some bloke forgets to get his wife a present for their 15th Anniversary and the wife is really annoyed and she tells him;
"When I go out to the driveway tomorrow, there had better be a gift that goes from 0-220 in 6 seconds."

The next morning she went out to the driveway and saw a giftbox wrapped up.
She ripped the packaging off and found a new set of bathroom scales.

Nobody has seen the husband since then..

[steedster]

A blonde walks on to a plane and looks at her ticket to LA, she realises she is in economy class and decides to go and sit in first class.

The air stewardess checks her ticket and asks her to sit in her assigned sit. The blonde replies" Im blonde, im beautiful and im going all the way to LA sitting here"

So the stewardess gets the captain and he tries to get her to move but again she replies " Im blonde, im beautiful and im going all the way to LA sitting here"

Not wanting to cause a commotion the pilot gets the co-pilot who says not to worry as he has a blonde girlfriend.
The co-pilot whispers something in the blondes ear and she gets up and walks to her seat happily.

The pilot, curious, asked how he moved her and he said " I told her first class wasnt going to LA"
:D:D:D:D:D

Sorry! I know its bad!

[piepolice]

a man and his wife was in the car driving the wife was board so she took her cloths of and chucked them out the window the husband is liking what he see's and dose not concentrate on the road and crashes luckly the airbag goes of for her but it dosent for him and he gets stuck unde the sterring wheel he shouts im stuck go get some help she says im naked i cant so he takes his shoe of and says put that over your crotch and that shall have to do so she gose out and pulls over a car and yells HELP MY HUSBAND IS STUCK the driver goes if his stuck that far up i cant help u
long i know so sorry if u dint find it funny

[Deathvein]

a man and his wife was in the car driving the wife was board so she took her cloths of and chucked them out the window the husband is liking what he see's and dose not concentrate on the road and crashes luckly the airbag goes of for her but it dosent for him and he gets stuck unde the sterring wheel he shouts im stuck go get some help she says im naked i cant so he takes his shoe of and says put that over your crotch and that shall have to do so she gose out and pulls over a car and yells HELP MY HUSBAND IS STUCK the driver goes if his stuck that far up i cant help u
long i know so sorry if u dint find it funny

i think it would be a very good idea indeed if you added punctuation and paragraphs to your jokes otherwise it is very hard to read them and that can ruin the joke because it would not be understandable so it would not be funny can you see what i mean because if you can then you will know just how hard it was to read that joke and no i didnt get it because it was hard to read so i probably didnt get it right so i can try again if you edit your post with punctuation and paragraphs

:P

[steedster]

i think it would be a very good idea indeed if you added punctuation and paragraphs to your jokes otherwise it is very hard to read them and that can ruin the joke because it would not be understandable so it would not be funny can you see what i mean because if you can then you will know just how hard it was to read that joke and no i didnt get it because it was hard to read so i probably didnt get it right so i can try again if you edit your post with punctuation and paragraphs

:P

Have to agree there, i gave up reading the joke half way through.

[Richie]

Exactly that was what i was thinking i could only just make out the joke and it was pretty funny but it would have been even funnier if it had good punctuation and grammar because then i could understand it more i could go and edit it for you but its a lot of work so it would be cool if you could just remember this in future posts so we can all understand you a little better and dont worry its not just you there are a few others too so its no biggy but it just makes the forum look a whole lot neater thank you please.

O_o

[azz250]

What about this one

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator says: 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'

[germ1984]

THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS

I've only one eye, my hair's a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour's an arsehole, my best friend's a c**t and my owner's a tosser. :(

[steedster]

THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS

I've only one eye, my hair's a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour's an arsehole, my best friend's a c**t and my owner's a tosser. :(

LOL! made me spray my coffee over my laptop!!! Brilliant!

[germ1984]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, discussing his less-than-admirable sexual exploits. After one particularly disgusting revelation, the woman leans across, chops off the mans penis and tosses it out of the car window.

Driving behind the car is a pickup with a man and his 10 year old daughter. They are happily chatting away, when the severed phallus smacks into their windscreen and bounces away.

Slightly shocked, the daughter asks, "Daddy! What the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his daughter to sex at such a young age, the father explains "It was just a bug, dear."

With a bemused look on her face, the girl replies "Sure had a big dick!"

[Deathvein]

Here's a good joke.

Women's rights.

Still makes me laugh!

[germ1984]

Thats the best one yet. ;)

[Séamoose]

A man walks into the psychiatrist's wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist says, 'well, i can clearly see you're nuts'

[judder01]

Ha, some good jokes. Post some more! :) Please.